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ON MY TENDENCY TO WANT TO BE MORE

Friday, July 20, 2018


Last year I wrote a piece on a new show titled The Bold Type, about three women navigating friendships and careers at a New York magazine. Modern day Sex & The City-esque, minus Carrie, I wrote about it filling a hole in television, with its feminist message and feel good humor. 



It's one year later and I can confidently say I still feel the same, with some new thoughts. (I’m sorry, if you came here for.. not my thoughts, you’ve come on the wrong day) 


I’m sure you can relate: you’re watching a show, wine & pizza in hand, and there’s a character that you just, ~get.~ A character with your personality and mannerisms and probably wears the same socks as you and suddenly you want to transform yourself into that character. (Okay maybe I’m reaching a tad but you get the drift) The women of the bold type are like this for me, all for different reasons I won’t bore you with. But they ~get~ me. The thing about fiction is... it’s fiction. No matter how much we try & model our lives to the likes of the friends gang or the sex & the city girls or the gilmores (if only life was stars hollow) we’ll never quite measure up. Much like comparing yourself to other people in real life, comparing yourself to fiction tends to not work out either. 


 I’m always wanting to “be better,” it’s human nature to want to grow into the best version of yourself, which is amazing. We should always strive for growth. Here’s the thing. Sometimes that desire for growth creates a pinch of self loathing our current selves.

I have this theory that though I’ve worked hard to not let anxiety grab hold of my life, it still clouds my personality. Without it, I’d be myself times ten. Not so afraid, more boldness, more. More. And so I pour into who I ~think~ the best version of myself would be, holding myself to a standard controlled by writers rooms. Isn’t that doing a great disservice to my current self? The real version? 


I’m still trying to figure out why we hold ourselves to such impossible standards. My obvious feminist answer is ‘the patriarchy’ but is there more to it than that? Or maybe it's become inherent in us because it's what around us. Either way, it's time we stop wanting to change ourselves to fit the narrative of what we think we ~should~ be. 

Sure we can admire traits in others that we see in ourselves or that we'd like to see, and we should always strive to grow & learn, but not so much that we begin to lose ourselves in the process. How will we ever learn to love who we are if we're constantly trying to change it? We'll never be happy. 


So you can love your omgfavoritecharacter I AM her!! but don't forget to love yourself more. & on that ridiculously cheesy note, over & out. 

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xo,
kae

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